Typing this on my phone at 6.10am while sitting cross legged on my bed, occasionally glancing towards the window to check the brightness of the sky. I've been up since 4.30am, which was when I suddenly jolted awake, woken up by equal parts the suffocating smell of haze and my pendulating thoughts.

This past week has been truly one of the craziest in my entire life, and while I was going through it it was indescribably hard - I felt like I was getting tossed and turned around on a roller coaster that I had half heartedly gotten onto, but now that it has ended I am glad that after some self reflection I realised that some good has come out of it.

Let's start with the smallest things first: making friends. During my orientation camps, I remember getting overwhelmed by the feelings of suffocation and loneliness when I couldn't find anyone I could click with. And how I felt so stuck in limbo, in a place where I wanna keep my old friends, but they have all moved on; where I wanted to make new friends but wasn't quite sure how to. I had identity issues, you see. I didn't know which version of myself to be, which implies that I didn't think I had a true self, which translates to how on earth am I supposed to get people to like me if I don't even know who me is???

Through the last few weeks I feel like I was finally figuring out who I truly am after 19 years of existence, and the journey so far has been rewarding. I've learnt to rely more on my (existing) friends, to not be afraid to share with them my troubles, to let them pray for me and be my mat carriers. And likewise, pray for them and be /their/ mat carriers. And it's been so liberating! I love how I don't have to keep everything to myself anymore and I love that everyone's just so ready to offer me their unique perspective and how by seeing my problems through so many different lenses I am able to deal with them better. 10/10 would recommend lolol.

Another thing I've learnt is to not be afraid to be the true you, to sometimes talk without a filter, and to accept your flaws. The last point sounds a little contentious and I will address it later. But as for the first two points, that's exactly what I've been learning to do for the part few weeks and it has really given me some genuine friends in REP :) friends who don't mind you spazzing about geeky stuff like perfect pitch and coding (and in fact would spaz along with u), friends who will drop everything to help you because they're safe in the knowledge that you would do the same for them, friends who will laugh at you and call you dumb when you make mistakes and make you realise that it's okay to fail, and it's okay to laugh at your failures. Which brings me to my next point - accepting your flaws. I don't mean this in the sense that you're resigned to your flaws, that you know you're weak and you're okay with it and that's that. That's dangerous because it lulls you into a complacency which gives you an excuse not to do anything about your weaknesses. What I mean when I say accept your flaws is that you acknowledge that you're not perfect, you don't try to hide your imperfections, and you actively work to improve on them. And sometimes you let others teach you how to deal with them.

And I am finally at a point where I genuinely think: I really want to help people. I want to build people up. My mother shared this with me at the start of the sem - she was praying for me to find good friends and good influences, when a random thought suddenly struck her: why not pray for me to BE a good influence to others? When she told me this I admit I was disbelieving, I told her that I can hardly help myself so how can I even begin to inspire others? Yet she maintained that she believed the thought came from God, and after the past six weeks of school I've also come to realise that perhaps God is really working through me. This first hit me while I was htht-ing with Felysse that first night of our friendship, when she told me that she was glad that God had put me in REP to ground her to her faith and to remind her to stay Godly and principled. I remember feeling astounded when she told me that. It had never previously occurred to me that I could actually make a positive impact on others, just by being me. And over the subsequent few weeks I've seen how God has worked through me. I hope I am not being too presumptuous and self-important but here goes:
- Drinking. When I found my first group of friends (ie Bryan Gerald Zachary Ashley Kairu Cherie), we bonded mainly through drinking. Every Sunday night we would go to Bryan and Zach's room and we'd take a few shots, lepak, linger till 3/4am and then finally go back to our rooms. I admit but am not ashamed to say that at first, I drank for the mere reason to fit in. But looking back I'm glad that I was given a chance to explore my boundaries without flirting with danger. And after exploring my boundaries, and realising that I didn't really see the point in drinking and clubbing, and in fact opposed the very principles of those vices, I stopped. And I was neither quiet nor apologetic about stopping. I continued going to Bryan's room every week, but every time they offered me a drink, I told them no. Every time they made plans to club, I said no. And it definitely made some heads turn. By the time I had come to this epiphany I was already kinda tight with them, and I think I might really be offering them a different way of seeing things, because nowadays they really are drinking less. And while they still do sometimes make plans to club, they're much less definite. Tbh I'm not sure whether this would have happened without me anyway, but if I played any role in this, no matter how small, I am glad :)))
- Being open about my religion. I attached my church's 25th anniversary cross-shaped key chain to my key fob. I admit that at first I felt a little uncomfortable about being so obviously a Christian. I was afraid that others would judge me and think that I'm a goody two shoes that they can't trifle with and they would talk to me. But in fact, this very simple act has actually started a few conversations about Christianity. The other day Chiilek when he noticed the cross told me that he's actually a Christian (but Wenqi isn't :/). And just two days ago Gerald (!!!) told me about liking some Christian songs and told me Worthy Is The Lamb is his favourite HAHAHAHA. Idk manz, I feel like these small steps are progress in getting others to think about their religion. Whether or not I am able to follow up is something I'm still working on though.

Okay but now, on to more serious matters: James hahahaha. Previously we'd been kinda close friends, but starting last Thursday I felt that something more was growing from it. And suffice to say that I wasn't wrong lolol. On Monday we met at Hall 8 RR (unplanned). He walked me back to my room that night and told me about wanting to get into HEAL. After he left I spent many moments lying on my bed awake, trying to sort out my feelings.

On Tuesday, we spent the day together... Alone... But in the afternoon I literally begged Ashley to join us so that we wouldn't be alone. On Tuesday night I hung out with my usual gang and he texted, asking to meet me. I told him no and he gave up after a while.

On Wednesday morning it felt like he really needed to talk, but I turned him down because I was confused. He got a little pissed, a little down, and I got the feeling that he wanted to tell me something but didn't quite know how to put it in words. Before I had time to ask him about it, he had left for D&D.

At 2am Pei Xuan called me while I was at Bryan's room, asking me to come back because she had lost her room keys. I found her sitting on our doorstep, obviously drunk. I unlocked the door, pushed her in, forced her to take off her contacts. That was when I received another text from James asking if he could come up. I told him Pei Xuan is a bit seh, but he didn't seem to get it that she was in the room right now. He came up. I went down to make noodles for PX. While I was gone the two of them started a conversation such that by the time I was back up, he was talking about his exes. The three of us talked for a while, and I learnt a lot about him. About how his parents have given up on him because they think he's too messed up for their Catholic family, and about how he believes that everyone has needs and that if a girl asked him for an apple and he had an apple, he would give it to her. At the end of the conversation my bottom lip was quivering as I thought about how much I had messed up, liking him. When PX finally fell asleep, I looked at him and realised for the first time that his eyes were red, though I wasn't sure if from tequila or from tears. We talked a while more, studied a little, and at the end of the night he asked me with dead seriousness if I wanted to cuddle. Not sure what to answer, I fumbled for 10 seconds trying to close my file clasp and failing, and he asked me if it was just a general thing or if it was just him. I shrugged my shoulders and refused to look at him. He quietly left the room afterwards. By then it was already 5am.

Thursday morning I woke up knowing that I had to do something to stop this nonsense. In class I was noticeable tired and troubled and got some concerned questions. Shaokai asked me if I had quarrelled with James and I didn't really know what to tell him so I just shook my head. Thursday was also the day I finally told Felysse about it. She advised me to stop it asap, for my own good, and in my mind I agreed with her but my heart remained unwilling to let go.

After class James and I sat at the bus stop, alone, as he ate the lunch I had bought but had no appetite to eat. He told me to stop waiting for the perfect guy to come along because he doesn't exist. I told him I knew that, but I still wouldn't get together with him. We lapsed into silence.

After dinner he jioed himself to my room. I replied "hahahaha", latched my door and went to take a nap. I was later woken up by Gerald calling me to go to RPR for the sleepover. I said okay, but looked at the time and realised it was past 11pm - no buses left to take. So I stayed in my room till Felysse came back and then we took a one hour walk around Hall 11 chatting about life and nonsense. She told me I had to end it, and end it quick. So when he asked to study together the next day, I told him okay, taking it as a chance to talk to him about it. I planned out what I was gonna say to him.

The next morning I woke up troubled but resolute. He came up at 9am looking very shag, having only slept at 5.30am after the sleepover ended. I spent a good one hour mustering up enough courage just to broach the topic. I asked about his Hall amber, but he quickly changed the topic. We fooled around a little too much for me and he left the room, saying that it's getting a little too tempting. I told him that he's not my boyfriend, and he replied that he didn't have to be. He helped me with my laundry and then left for Mass, leaving me with words that I hadn't managed to get out my mouth yet.

After lunch we bumped into each other once again. He asked me to stay in school, with him. I told him I'd see what Sipei would wanna do, to which he replied - what about what I wanna do? I said, who cares about you? And he said, just my luck that I had to fall in love with a girl like you.

On the train back home, I prayed for clarity and for strength to think with my mind instead of my heart. When he texted me again I told him I would be there for him, but only as a friend. Immediately after I sent that text an overwhelming peace washed over me. I knew I had done the right thing.

But that was not the end of it. I don't think he truly got my message, not really. He texted me about HEAL afterwards and asked to join something together since I didn't get in. In a moment of bravery I told him that I didn't want to be jioed nor chased, and I let the conversation die.

I'm not sure where the road will take me from here but all this drama has made me realise exactly what I want and what I don't. And through this I also truly learnt to think with my head instead of my heart, and not get pulled in by the heat of the moment. Going through this was painful, but now that I'm out I'm thankful for all the new experiences that I've gained :))) I just hope to become a better person who continues to stay true to her values and inspire others to do the same.