watched frozen last wednesday i finally know what everyone is talking about hehe <: while watching it i had a feeling that the plot was quite rushed out idk if anyone had that feeling too hm. it was good tho.

because of my grandfather being so recently dead and everything we can't go visiting this year so my CNY so far has been made up of 40% bridge and 60% calories. and 3487234% trying not to let my insecurities define who i am.

every passing day is a testament to how much i suck and how little the rest of the world sucks what is wrong with me why i can't be a normal nice-looking girl with her own strengths and talents and sociable nature instead of ... me. me whom everyone classifies as the invisible one, the one who slips away into the recesses of everyone's minds, always unnoticed, always forgotten; the one who would never speak up, the one who's too stupid to know how to hold a proper conversation, who has never been liked by people. you know ... that one? wait, which one? no one really knows who i am, they're too busy forgetting i exist.

px who always complains about being unlike 'glam' girls but whose company is enjoyed by everyone, all you other people who complain about being 'socially awkward' ... in front of me wth. idk how many times i have sat in silence listening to y'all rant on and on about how you screw social situations up while i am just like uh are you forgetting who's sitting right in front of you what do you expect me to do? comfort you? assure you that you're not that bad? ha, no thanks.

on the outside i might look like i don't care that i don't have any fucking friends but no some nights i feel so terribly lonely that even me the introvert of introverts would suddenly be in want of some company, any company. i've long gotten over the weird looks people give me when i sit alone in the canteen but when people tease me about it i'm not that ok, alright? it's not for lack of trying either so please just stop.

when i was six i borrowed a miffy the rabbit book which i loved and i asked my mother if the library could make an exception and just let me have it forever and ever because i couldn't bear returning it :'(

separate issue: currently thinking about how i might not be the only one who's having these confusing thoughts because i'm starting to see signs of people possibly going through the same things as i am this is exciting i mightn't be weird after all!!!! hehehehe

was looking through my mother's rgs photos and i suddenly miss rg so so much :( even the simple things like running for the laksa on thursdays and sleeping in the gb room in the mornings and hi-fiving other people who failed too ... i realise that these are all memories i will treasure. how many of those stupid notes / drawings / doodles have i thrown away, thinking that they're just silly rubbish, not worth keeping? how i wish i could look through them once more and relive those times.

i guess they were right when they said sec school would be short but great
too bad i only realise it now, when i've already entered jc lol
in sec 1 i naively thought i'd miss primary school forever but pshh that's nothing compared to the last 4 years in rgs. i don't regret coming to raffles anymore. i think i would've liked it better than nanyang tbh and i did learn lots (like besides acads i mean) that i couldn't have in nygh. not to mention i wouldn't have met people like 45th batch'13 or grace or the jula fan club :')

all in all, i really need to learn how to look forward instead of always looking back. what did i write in my SAT essay (or rather, since it was so short, paragraph)? embrace change and cut away the shackles of your sentimentalities (just realised that that's not even a word oops) ................ too bad i don't heed my own advice.