if anyone were to live inside my head they would go such a dumb kid and wow so profound simultaneously because #1 i am so quiet that my words eat into themselves and no one knows anything and #2 i am just naturally dumb lah cannot is it. i have always tried so hard (and even though i do it automatically it takes up brain space) to classify things and people into social / physical / etc groups and fixed people's thought processes into cycles that sometimes i just miss what is right in front of me and because of this i do lots of stupid things that when people see me they would be wondering, does this girl even have a brain?! like when someone you know stops going down for recess and starts spouting weird nonsense that you get too fixated on figuring out what's she thinking and all ... till one day she is gone and she's at the hospital because her weight — just a number! — is far too low and her arms too thin and her ribs too clearly showing.

or is it just me? maybe i think too much about myself, not meaning that i think i'm super pro and clever and important but just that i'm thinking about thoughts that revolve around me. and then i put everything people say to 'hey oh no does she pose as competition to me?' or 'wow she is dumber/fatter/uglier/less-talented than me so what she says now is redundant' and  o m g  what have i become?

i think since the start of this year when i made my own crazy new year resolutions i have let numbers define me, too much. is that too dangerous? i seem to lost my sense of identity. that maybe who i am is just — weight: xxkg; grades, xx%; popularity: xx followers; fitness: xx minutes.

then when i do actually listen to people what i do is: one, judge them. two, judge them. three, calculate their IQ / EQ / MQ. four, judge them. i think i'd have to go to the very deepest layer of hell with the mass murderers and rapists for all the sins i've committed.


also i have found it really amusing because most people assume that i am dumber than i actually am just because i don't talk. like e.g. my chinese tuition teacher who talks to me like i'm a 5-year-old retarded kid because she assumes that i must be really stupid because i hardly ever speak in class. e.g. my deskmate who treated me with condescension and thought (pretended?) i wouldn't notice ... (though i solved that problem after math class that day) you see, people cannot believe. humans are a faithless race - we all seek for evidence to prove us wrong or right that we have forgotten to simply believe. that is how numbers came about: your grades define your intelligence, your weight your beauty, the no. of hits your level of fame.

maybe dumbness and smartness aren't opposites of each other. maybe they are not mutually exclusive - someone can be really dumb and also really smart at the same time. the smarter you are, the dumber you get. does that make sense to you? think about it.

see i am never coherent :c also, failingexams5eva