i've very recently re-spiralled down the mbti/enneagram rabbit hole once more, which triggered some self-exploration, and it also led me to confront certain unhealthy thought patterns that i've been prone to for as long as i can remember. i think one that has been a constant struggle for me is lust - always imagining "what if i lived a different life? what if i was born a different person?" and breeding some sort of discontentment with my own self and circumstances without actually inspiring any action to change.

when i was a kid, this embodied itself in me creating fantasy characters for not just me, but my brothers too. yes, i pulled along my siblings into my struggle with lust. i gave everyone alter egos, complete with name cards and dress codes (ivan can only wear blue, thaddeus red, asher green) and even a conduct code (skyler - that's ivan - you must be SPUNKY and FIERCE! it don't matter that you're not like that really, ACT like skyler!)

most kids grow out of pretending to be princesses or knights or dragons by the time they enter primary school, but i continued to feed my mystical leanings all the way till primary 5. i fashioned an online persona for myself, princess kindrayna, and convinced everyone that by listening to the 'secret garden' album on my mp3 player i was consistently transported into an alternate universe where i was an orphaned princess living in the forest but who had access to the internet and could therefore blog about her escapades daily on frinzee.blogspot.sg (it's privated now HAHAHA too cringe). i finally grew out of it at the ripe old age of 11 and a half, but this practice of playing characters, either online or off, continue to this day.

it's a three-step process, very easy really. step one: craft your character. in primary 6, that was this emo kid with a troubled life and mysterious inner demons; in secondary school, a quirky e-girl with particular interests (tumblr, graphic design, green & orange) and a personality to boot; in JC, a super-smart but lazy girl, with a mind built for greater things than mundane school work.

step two: play it out.

step three: watch as everyone sees through it and wonders how someone can be so disingenuous.

in my defence, all these characters were not quite as downright fictional as princess kindrayna. but they do not present me in a most authentic light because i always find just one trait to play out to caricaturistic extremes, engineering social circumstances to draw excess attention to those features while downplaying the rest. if doing something was not 'coherent with my brand', i straight out refused to do it. it is a sort of twisted personal pride that i am talking about here that is preventing me from, for example, wearing dresses in secondary school and JC. yes, i lived in tshirt and shorts during those years because my mind had created constraints and forced myself to adhere to them beyond reason, even tho i WANTED to wear dresses (i think those who know me well enough now can attest to my love for dresses even till today hahaha). HAHA sighh. my growing up years were very, very strange.

but i think all this strange behaviour begins from a common place - the yearning to be someone else, the discontentedness of being in my own skin. it's not necessarily because i hate myself, tho there was a fair share of that in my youth, but i just find the exploration of different personas really alluring.

i think it in itself this is not quite a bad thing, right? i try on different personalities like how others try on different suits, but what's the harm? the issue i have with it is when it becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism for self-hatred or uncomfortable situations. ever messed up so badly that you just went "oh fk where's the reset button"? my reset button is switching to a different persona so that i am free of all uncomfortable responsibilities that i'm trying to shirk. thankfully, i am emotionally healthy enough to not hate myself (HAHAHA i know this sounds strange, but rly i am fine) but i am still very, very irresponsible... and i love using my imagination as a form of escapism, albeit in very creative ways recently.

okay what's the conclusion? i'm tired of writing and i need to do my fyp presentation so i have to end off this lengthy blog post. conclusion is... it's an endless struggle lah. i have a feeling this sort of behaviour is quite tied to my personality type (infp + enneagram type 4) and isn't something i can simply grow out of. it might evolve with age and maturity but i think this tendency will likely be journeying with me throughout my life. i guess i just have to make sure i'm at healthy emotional levels that it doesn't make me cray cray or irresponsible. OKAY END BLOG POST BYEEEE happy circuit breaker everyone.

Labels: i belong to the asylum, what is life