it's still something that pains me and i honestly don't know if i will ever heal. as time has passed i have realised that it wasn't because of any particular person but just because ... i've been wired for loyalty.

God designed marriage to be for life.
and that's why a break up hurts so bad.
even three. years. later.

he came over to pass me medicine earlier today and tucked me into bed. for a moment, just a fleeting moment ... i felt transported to the past. it definitely doesn't help that we've recently switched back to telegram as our texting medium and the first thing i saw was ... our old conversations, circa 2017. even mundane texts like "morning" and "i think i left my stylus in your room" and "how's lunch" managed to tug at something in my chest. not to even mention the "i love you"s - so foreign, yet what bittersweet twists in the gut it can create.

there is no way to go back to the past. to those past versions of ourselves who were once so in love with each other. to even think of it is so surreal now; i hardly even remember the details of our relationship. and yet, in my loneliest moments, i sometimes close my eyes and imagine ...

i think like grief, the pain of a break up might just never go away. you just get better at handling it, but you might still have bad moments. the frequency of such bad moments dwindle over time but for now, at least, they're not fully gone for me. they hit randomly and sometimes without warning, and before i know it my eyes have welled up with pools of tears and i'm sitting in the dark, typing out a blog entry trying to sort out my feelings.

Lord, heal me.
hold me in Your everlasting love and remind me that i will always be Yours.
i should place my faith in nothing else but Your love.
not past relationships.
not present ones.
not the hope of future ones.
just in my royal sonship.

this post has been difficult and shameful to write, but i am practising a new brand of honesty to myself!! my apologies for any secondhand embarrassment you had to endure ...

now, back to watching jane the virgin hahahaha

[edit:]
sticking true to my statement about practising honesty just now, i have to be honest as well that for the past few years my relationship with james has not been strictly platonic... and that plays a huuuuge factor in why the breakup still hurts. just wanted to put it out there. i hope that whoever reads this can pray for me. for the conviction and courage to walk out of this toxic grey area that has honestly done me wayyyy more harm than good. tq :)