wanted to do a post before all the negative feelings caught up with me, when i'm still stuck in the magic of the moment, but too late :( shouldn't have taken a shower first haha that's where my brain finally sorts everything out

today was LAMP day 2! i kind of give up trying to make new friends and all so it was just generally quite -sian- :/ then after LAMP we went to plaza sing again for lunch and hid out under the travellator yet again and played cards. i played a bit of bridge (during which angeline and i pulled off this amazing 4 spades win) and a bit of taiti before GTE + matthew + victor set off to yiwei's house while the rest either went arcade or to watch divergent :'( </3 i actually really wanted to watch divergent :( but it's ok, we'll have a private midnight movie date next time to make up for today :)

so at yiwei's house we were supposed to be mugging but in the end we ended up jamming weird songs and playing solitaire (at least desiree and i did) bc #nofrenz and vicgeline did their mock blaze stuff while snowball (i keep thinking snowy instead oops hahaha) stared on impassively. by the time we had to set off for kkmc we hadn't really done much but oh well at least we had fun #yolo #yodo #yoro #wateva

and on the way to the mrt station angeline and i htht-ed for a short short while and she made me think about getting into relationships and i have realised that actually all these nonsense are simply ... nonsense. i mean there are some exceptions (just look at my parents for instance hahaha) but usually for the BGRs in jc it's just the ~hormones~ acting and people looking for some fun, nothing truly meaningful. and anyway no guy in the right mind would ever ~*fancy*~ me anyway so i don't even have the dilemma of getting into a relationship in the first place s i g h i guess i could take this both ways.

i just feel ... left out i guess because everyone's having so much fun in jc making new friends discovering guys while i find myself yet again out of the In :( and i'm also really afraid that whatever few friends i have left will drift away because of lack of contact or because they have new people to talk to (boibois incuded) and then some way or other i'll find myself ......all alone...... ahh God why couldn't you have made me less the way i am uuGGHgh these days i feel the urge and purpose leaving me again and i'm so scared that i'll turn hollow once more when i was just getting used to being filled

but alpha course was nice today :) amy and i were trying to control our laughter throughout the whole session hahaha and then victor was doing some interior designing with his grape stalks and xp was displaying his signature Stoic

also i had something weighing on my chest and i felt so guilty about it so i prayed during the course and i think it's better now, some of the guilt / sin is gone i am glad :))) thank You