i changed my theme to something very lite and formal-looking with a really big width and font (surprise surprise!) in the hope that i would be inspired to use proper paragraphing and punctuation and complete sentences ... let's see how this goes. i've been neglecting homework despite my new years' resolution to be more hardworking this year but ah well what is new. we changed seats 2 wednesdays ago (curse you anjula!!!) and it is sad cos pei xuan (and janelle) is actually what keeps me awake during class and idk i don't know how to talk to people because i am awkzkid97 :< so i just sleep in all my classes now.

before MSP yesterday (ie friday) heralds did boards and i chatted with aberdeen for a little bit and sigh i am so blessed and everything but every time i hold a conversation with anyone i feel like they're just silently judging me, all the time -- sizing me up and squinting at my multitudinous faults. what is expected of an RGS girl? good grades, smart, athletic, good-looking, talented. i am none of these, does that make me less than any other girl here? and then i just break into waves of useless self-loathing i mean all this energy could be expended on loads of more useful things but no l0l i am too ungracious and useless and dumb

there are a million things i want to talk about that i want to write down because i am close to bursting at my seams but ha ha i'm too scared to write down anything, even though this is such a desolate place nobody's gonna be reading my thoughts anyway but it's more of a fear of facing my giants than people knowing that's stopping me see i am such a coward. cowardly, cowardly faith who refuses to put her faith in her own God who is stronger than anything else. it's like you're struggling and there's a wealth of resources at your feet but you blatantly ignore them because your hands are too full of your pride, your stubbornness, your stupidity. in short, your imperfections.

MOVING ON

on friday evening this little girl who looked about 7 was walking in front of me the the MRT station and she looked so cute and she was wearing a dress that looked like it was meant for someone twice her age. while i was following behind her to the station i felt like such a pedo really i am your resident she lang /reaches out and touches butt.

and today we made samosas together in the kitchen and licked the curry off our fingers when we were done c: it was supposed to be motivation to do actual work but in the end we just ended up playing 4pics1word on my mother's phone while eating the samosas and then we opened a bottle of (expired) sparkling juice and toasted ourselves. and yup that is all i did today am i a pig or am i a pig

right now queen's bohemian rhapsody is stuck in my head ugh!! okay but it's a really good song -- the melody is so much more complex than most of today's pop / indie / etc songs that i had trouble deciphering the notes (see arielle this is proof that my perfect pitch is not very perfect) :c sorry i am delirious right now it's 2AM i have no idea what i'm typing zzz

goodnight then and oh right the chinese paper on thursday was a big fiasco :( i didn't have time to finish the paper omg