it is 4.24am, and i currently studying, no, learning, for my financial management final paper tomorrow afternoon. i have yet to even start on my revision for my japanese finals tomorrow morning. let alone get to doing my research paper due this sunday. and not to mention, my computing project that's currently in shambles and due this friday.

and yet here i am, i am blogging. because even with all this academic craziness, matters that affect me most remain to be my interpersonal relationships.

it's been ... how long ? since the breakup. if i have to be very honest, the last time i stayed over in his room, the last time i spent the night in his arms, was on my birthday. a little more than a month ago. but it's been literally months since the official breakup and i'm still not over it completely. sometimes when the bathroom thoughts hit me i feel the familiar burning behind my eyes and i think maybe i'm crying but i can't tell, my face is wet from showering anyway.

right now it's not heart break that's the main worry, it's the social aftermath. my friends - sipei and fel - they're half gone. i know they care, to some extent, but when it comes to who they'd rather hang out with, it's just so much more convenient and so much more enjoyable for them to pick james.

shao kai is done with me, i can tell. he is wondering why i cannot get over this whole thing. "you two also not say together for very long in the first place what," he said, sighing, while we were queuing up for ramen. he's losing patience with my dead-fish state, my lack of responsiveness, my lack of fun. when we spend time together he looks at his phone way too much. he doesn't engage with me anymore because he's done with my sadness and he has too much to deal with in his life anyway so of course i i shouldn't even expect anything. but i don't know why but i can't help but do.

my friends, the ones i thought would be my constants, my lifelong friends - they themselves admit to being not-very-good friends to me. and yet, they don't do anything about it because well i guess i'm kinda low maintenance in that sense. they know that even if they don't reply my messages for 40 years i'd still be there for them when they need me because i'm that loyal but boring friend who's a little too easy to take for granted.

which leaves me here, in the dead of the night, incoherent from punching my calculator and staring at shrunk-down-by-a-factor-of-four lecture slides and poorly worded problem sets, alone, sad, and not quite sure who to turn to. i don't want to bother the usual suspects any more than i have to; they've tanked so much of my bitterness.

and i wonder.

how do i stop this constant crave for human connection?
how do i stop overthinking - this is a problem, i've been told, my many people who know me well.
how do i stop being boring and unattractive and overall a wallpaper-y kind of person?
how do i just ... stop being me?? ?

i think a couple of weeks ago i was suddenly hit by the thought that there's not hope for me - i can't escape being myself. and in that moment i was filled with so much despair that i thought of just ending everything because i am just too inconsequential. i'm not irreplaceable to anyone and if i'm gone one day people will grieve but they will get over it and get on with their lives with not a thought to spare for dead old me.

i used to be special.
to you.

i'm not anymore and i know i shouldn't let it but it affects my self worth.

sigh idk i'm just feeling a little sad right now. and wondering how people like liangwei turned their lives around. wondering when, if ever, it will happen to me.