did it work?

haha, no.

(obviously)

i know now that convincing myself of untruths would never help me get over anything, because of course i will always be able to see through my own lies. i mean, they're my own lies. but i didn't know that then. back then i was just thinking of the most extreme statement i could repeat to myself so that i could convince myself to stop feeling all the forbidden feelings i had for this guy. and so i came up with that.

i think at some point, i was actually kinda succeeding at getting over him? i made a conscious effort not to let him come to my room or jio me out, i gave him one-word replies on whatsapp, i surrounded myself with my other friends so that i couldn't obsess over him. and slowly, the feelings were fading and i was happy that i was finally getting over him...

...but at the same time, i felt sad too. being infatuated with someone messes up the chemicals in your brain - it makes you feel as if you're in seventh heaven. it makes you feel depths of feelings you never knew you were capable of feeling and it leaves you wanting more and more of that high. so yeah i was sad to say goodbye to that wonderful feeling of being in love with someone and have to go back to horribly mundane real life with the bland emotions that i always feel. 

and coincidentally, that was when he started liking me too. and started chasing me. i told px to tell him to stop but he's not very good at listening to instructions. and so he continued to chase me and idk, i guess i really do like the feeling of being chased? it makes me feel ... appreciated. wanted. as if i was actually desirable, an entirely novel feeling. add to that a half-gotten-over infatuation and you have a recipe for disaster.

which was what ensued. one night like many others before it he slept over in my room after hanging out with sipei and fel and somehow we ended up watching sushi videos side by side on my bed and somehow we ended up lying down next to each other and then he told me:

"don't get the wrong idea but ... i think you're amazing."

and i was just like ... huh. so he told me about how he saw how good my heart was and how he sees jesus in me and how i'm a beautiful person and i don't know man no one ever said that to me before; growing up i was repeatedly told that i'm lazy and messy and selfish and self-pitying and just generally a terrible person and for someone to tell me i'm beautiful ... it was quite a shock. 

i'm kinda embarrassed to say that i lapped it all up haha. i mean who wouldn't lah tbh. your ego loves getting stroked.

and after that speech he ....... confessed. i mean like i knew he liked me alr because he told so many people (px, fel, sipei) and those people all told me but well of course a personal confession is always something different. it changes things. and then he asked me if i liked him and i made the huge, giant,  colossal, TERRIBLE mistake of saying yes...

that night we hugged (horizontally .... HAHAHA) for a while, and then he went back to the empty bed to sleep cos he was blocking the fan and i was sweating. the next morning we woke up and he looked over at me and asked if last night was a dream. i said no. we walked to the toilet to brush our teeth and get ready for class.

the next time we talked i told him i'm not ready for a relationship and i don't think we should do anything. i told him i think we should wait, till year 4. i told him we should just be friends for now. he said he agreed with me, but his actions didn't match up to his promises. he kept on chasing me, he kept on treating me something special, and i kept on nurturing those forbidden feelings in me. do you see where this is going? i did, because despite being deeply infatuated i was far from blind, but did i heed the signs God was giving me? nope. i decided to just follow my hormonal desires and looking back i only feel immense shame at how foolish i was to do that.

up until then i was sharing every little detail about what was happening, how i felt, to fel and sipei. but as i got deeper with james i stopped sharing because i just felt so much shame i couldn't bear to tell anyone of my devious sins. infatuation is very much based on sexual desire and i was too ashamed to admit that i was so driven by my carnal ambitions.

but, i am. that is the naked truth. it took me a lot of courage and a long time to admit it, but here you go. i'm a sexual creature, driven by sexual needs, and i succumbed to sin, like all humans are wont to. i said yes to the devil every time i let my desire for james fester and the consequence of that was that i grew more and more addicted to him. so addicted that i started to compromise my physical boundaries just to experience the chemical highs he evoked in me. i let him hold my hand. i let him hug me. i let him lie with me. and i did those over and over and over again, even though i knew it was wrong, even though i knew i shouldn't, even though i knew it was not what God wanted. to hell with what God wants!, is what i was saying through my actions, it's all about what pleasures me in this very moment! and all this while i was praying for God to show me what He wants for me because i want what He wants for me and wow, what a massive hypocrite i am.

i'm truly sorry God, and i want to change, please do give me the strength to.

over the next few months i kept saying yes to james and no to God and pushing my friends away as my guilt built up, and then things just got worse: i started loving james romantically. i'm not very sure how it happened but it happened and perhaps it happened because i was so dreadfully desperate that i just made the conscious decision to love this guy, because well he's probably the best i can do and if i let him go what if i end up forever alone? and even though there are stuff about him that irks me to no end and he's far from perfect surely it's better to have someone than to have no-one at all? at least he likes me eh.

through finals period this continued; i continued to let him cross my boundaries, i continued to let him treat me special, i continued to feel the way i feel about him. but at the same time, the feeling that i was doing something terribly wrong grew in me and as a result of this internal conflict i treated him shittily. i let him study with me till the wee hours of the night but at the first chance i got i would flee to spend time with other friends. when we were alone i would tell him that i appreciate him but when others ask me about him i deny that we have anything going on. of course this made him mad and that was the premise for our first fight on the last day of finals. it was so horrifyingly scary but also an enormous pain in the ass. but then we made up and it made me even more addicted to him.

that fight though was sobering. i realised that this was getting so dangerously toxic and i knew that i had to step away. so i told him i needed a break this holidays to figure out what i want. 

which brings me to the current moment.

terrible things have happened because of this. but beautiful things have happened too, the biggest one being that a deep, loving and christ-filled connection has blossomed between two people. although the romantic / sexual aspect of our relationship got toxic, i cannot deny that the way we continually support and love and pray for each other is something rare and amazing. we both inspire each other to be better people, to be more christ-like, to love ourselves and others more. it is hard to find words to describe how big this love is. love, in general, is a huge thing. it is the only reason for all the wonderful and beautiful and right things that exist on this flawed and sinful earth. it is love that brings all colour and meaning into life in this world. it is love that makes miracles possible. it is God's boundless love for us that allows us to be forgiven and reunited with Him despite our sins, to enjoy eternal life after death. and our love, like any other love that is modelled after God's love for us, is something that i think cannot be done justice by my limited writing abilities.

but perhaps, our love for each other is better housed in a platonic relationship? maybe. possibly. probably. i don't truly know. the other day, i asked God: so, what now? what's the right thing to do?

for a rare moment, His answer came loud and clear:

"it's your choice."

free will, guys. it's free will. either we decide to fight the good fight against all that has made our romantic relationship so toxic for me this past semester, or we acknowledge that perhaps it's wiser and easier for us to stay platonic. all i know is that no matter what i choose, God will still love us, we will still love each other (just a reminder that love doesn't just refer to romantic lurrrve k), and God will still see us through every step of the journey.

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thanks for reading, you :))) this was painfully honest, and painfully tough to write. i'd like to request that you just pray for me to make a sound decision and also for me to have the discipline and tenacity to stick to it (thanks).

for now, my challenge would be to get out of this dizzying infatuation that keeps messing me up and preventing me from sticking to rational choices.

pray for that too eh thanks :))

and lastly, God bless you, hope you had a blessed christmas... and thanks for being a part of my life :') if you're reading this, you're a blessing to me. truly and honestly. even if i suck at showing it. so thank you :)))