there are times when i am so assholey and awkward that the desperation to get away from myself is almost too much to bear and even though the problem lies within me it sometimes means that i would externalise all the frustration that i feel, which is mighty dangerous

i used to be content with being cooped up at home doing nothing but that's before the workload tripled and social circles became an even more mercurial part of my life, so now when my internet doesn't work i start thinking of all the whatsapp / telegram messages i'm missing and then i think about how nobody would want to talk to me anyway, useless piece of shit that i am, and all the work i have left undone (!!!! PI!!!!) that i get so tired i just flop onto my bed and lie there till food somehow comes to me (yeah this actually happens quite often in my house)

somehow i feel like all the anchors that i previously had have undergone exaggerated negative changes in density and drifted away from me, leaving me to float about aimlessly

i am a lonely ship all on my own and all i see around me is blue :(

honestly i don't know how to describe my anxiety. sometimes i think i feel it and sometimes i think i don't ever, but in actuality it is there all the time

am i going crazy

originally wanted to blog about worldlier matters but then this post happened ide