nothing is the same as two years ago
yet i feel the same way, the same bad way

my head hurts and i can hardly feel my fingers. this time it's for real, i think, and i forget the moment after.

it's really like a funnel. these 2 days being cooped up at home (most of the time, at least) haven't done me any good. i'm stuck in a funnel and the sides are too slippery. and the demeaning angle of the walls make me feel even more inferior than i already am, if that is even possible. i really am stuck guys i can't get out of this anymore.

today (or technically yesterday) morning i woke up and even though my eyes were bleary and my head heavy i thought to myself, "wow, i think i'm really ok."

suffice to say i was wrong.

minute by minute i feel my self slipping away even from me. even the qualities i used to hold dearest are diminishing. i prayed for something better but all i am now is losing. i think i'm beyond feeling. my head is really numb it's 1.16am i haven't started on any homework at all and yet i feel strangely calm. calm, but not at peace. i know somewhere the anxiety is rising, but i am able to shelf it simply because i am too worn out to care. it's a bad kind of numb. even now i am losing my coherency, bit by bit ... i used to think in pictures, now my mind is only blank. i don't even have any metaphors left.

it's just me.

it's not just about being forgotten, again and again. i'm just too tired of trying and failing all the time. like, why can't i win, for a change? and now i don't even have anyone to confide in. i try telling them, but of course they think their problems are more pertinent, of course they don't ask me if i'm alright - why would i not be? - and they ignore my messages, thinking that they can wait. what a whiny self-obsessed bitch, she's not the one i need right now, so let's just move on to other more important things.

and you know what? they're right. i have well and truly lost touch of reality. i've been folding inwards for far too long and i don't even know how it looks outside. i'm at the narrowest bit of the funnel and there's nothing to hold on to.

guys. can i quit.

funny how just when i was the happiest i've been in the longest time, when i thought all was fine and dandy and i had finally gotten out of it, there i go again. all along, i've been in the funnel. just daydreaming. all a mirage, lights refracting at the wrong angles, but truly i haven't moved at all. and now i'm sliding, losing, lost.

at least two years ago i was younger. i had more energy. i could feel - even if all i felt was anger. now i can't anything. previously i could have chosen to give up. now that choice is stripped from me because life itself has given up on me. i have a feeling i'm out of the whole nature game altogether. maybe my mind is stuck in limbo while my body continues to experience the physical restraints of the world of newton's three laws. it would make sense - it would explain why i feel so incongruous nowadays. how's that?

why don't my thoughts make sense anymore