what was the real deciding factor in making me give up, i'm not too sure. i only know that i am beyond hope and no amount of effort & time put in will improve the situation, so please stop nagging me i am very tired of it already ... i've had too many failures lah! cannot is it. i'm not sure if you understand because #1, you're extremely ~*hardworking*~ and ~*motivated*~ and #2, you get results. on the other hand, i am and have always been struggling to stay afloat - maybe not so much in primary school but definitely in secondary school. and i'm not like abraham lincoln or some other amazing extra-resilient-in-the-face-of-failures person, i am just extremely-prone-to-giving-up-when-i-am-not-perfect me which makes me extremely prone to giving up when i am not perfect.

lalalalalala sing a happy song sing with me

also i hate it when you put me down (it's not just me, you put everyone around you down unnecessarily, e.g. the other day with amy) like sigh, how can you just suddenly notice new facts about me which have always been ever since we met 3 years ago?? and i do know my strengths and weaknesses (to some extent, at least), so when you just disagree suddenly i really wonder what goes on in your mind and what you really see.

why is everyone (me included) so fucking blind
but moving on! [update @ 10.42PM]

I care about my results 50% I do get disturbed when I know I'm not going to get fab results right after the paper and then I accept that it's because I didn't even study that hard and so I don't really care but I kind of do

— pinkandorangeee

this is from yiwei's blog and ohman how do i put it. i would say i care about my results 75% i guess, but not for the reasons people usually care about their results for — i'm not caring because i wanna get a good job and get rich etc i don't have that kind of drive, no i want to get sufficiently decent results to prevent grounding / lectures on phone usage or whatnot / angry shouting matches, and i wish to get good results so that people won't look down on me so much and think i'm stupider than i already am - proving them all wrong that this dumb faceless bitch here can actually do stuff yknow (but obviously i don't wish it enough)! ok this is from my blogpost on 24th april last year: "sometimes i find that all that is powering me and sustaining me is anger." well that stage has passed and now it's not really anger but more of a little of jealousy and overall passive aggressiveness. like wow i am kind of mad at people sometimes because them and me, we aren't on the same page — hell! we aren't even on the same chapter! or book! or whatever! — but then i'm just too fucking lazy to do anything about it so i just stay kind of ~passive~ and -meh- and all. which all amounts to studying only the hour before the exam, starting on projects on the day of submission (yes i am dat #badass #y0l0), going into the exam hall with an absolutely blank seen article (ok i exaggerate. i wrote my name and class.) and then when results come out i just go out crying oh my my boy am i in deep shit.

ever since i googled leti's name 2 years ago (hehe stalkerkid97) and found the rgs's structured study programme i've been thinking, sigh i'm definitely going to get into that when i'm sec 4. so for now i've been able to keep my GPA in the somewhat healthy range and me out of ssp (i think it's now called structured remediation?) but that's mostly thanks to an unusual abundance of cannot-study-for exams like english and geog and M2 assessments in the past semester, and a little creative studying with peixuan for chem spa, but uhh if you're asking about maintenance i'd probably be kicked out of the school pretty soon.

it's really progressively worsening i guess. i mean in primary school i used to play com games and msn-ing till dinnertime, eat dinner + bathe + watch tv, then start on homework at around 8pm — and i used to think that was bad enough! gracious me how innocent i was then! then when i entered sec school i started doing homework only at 10+ and sleeping at 1am because i am completing physics worksheets due the next day .... and now? i'm just like what physics worksheets. if you would take a look at my chem / geog / ss / chinese / whatever file (if i even have one which i happen to do because i am still hardworking like that) all you can find are blank worksheets 80% of the time, half-done worksheets 20% of the time. if i could find a root to this problem i'd say tumblr, which started when i got my first laptop back in sec 2, but now i don't even tumblr, i don't even do stuff anymore, i'm just a plain old good-for-nothing unmotivated lazy bum. and i keep thinking ... what happens when i get to jc? uni (if i even get in, that is)? and after that? maybe i should do something about it, i think, then i just belly-flop back into laziness.

ok that's enough. :c

it's GB day tomorrow gaiz i have not polished my boots since idk last year i think? or january this year? and also drill test which i am going to fail, and tuesday's TAs which i guess i should start prepping for, and piano exam in 2 weeks which i am going to dramatically flunk, and life in general.